Divorce has a way of making even thoughtful, disciplined people want one thing above all else: for it to be over.
We hear it all the time:
“I’m just so ready for this to be done.”
That feeling is understandable. Divorce is disruptive, emotionally taxing, and anxiety‑producing. But when the desire to be done starts driving decisions, it often leads clients to make choices that solve today’s discomfort at the expense of tomorrow’s stability.
Around our office, we have a name for this pattern:
the Done Monster.
This post explains what the Done Monster is, why it’s so persuasive, and how to deal with it in a way that protects both your peace of mind and your long‑term interests.
What the Done Monster Really Is
The Done Monster shows up when someone reacts to present anxiety instead of acting from a clear vision of the future.
Rather than asking: – What outcome do I want for myself and my family five, ten, or twenty years from now?
The Done Monster asks: – What do I need to do to stop feeling this way right now?
That shift matters.
When anxiety becomes the decision‑maker, people start to believe that the case itself is the problem—when in reality, the problem is how they’re responding to the anxiety the case creates.
The divorce didn’t change how you woke up this morning, how you fed your kids, or how you showed up to work.
The anxiety did.
Anxiety Is a Terrible Financial Advisor
One of the most common Done Monster moves looks like this:
- Giving up significant property or future income
- Accepting unfavorable custody or parenting provisions
- Rushing into a settlement to “save” a few thousand dollars in fees
All to eliminate the discomfort of the process.
In high‑asset or complex cases, this can be especially costly. We routinely see situations where a short‑term desire to save $2,000–$5,000 results in six‑figure consequences over time.
Behavioral economists have been studying this phenomenon for decades. It’s known as present bias—our tendency to over‑value immediate relief and under‑value future consequences.¹
The Done Monster thrives on present bias.
Trading One Anxiety for a Bigger One
Here’s the part that often goes unnoticed: ending the case doesn’t eliminate anxiety.
It just changes its source.
You may relieve the stress of litigation today—only to replace it with: – Anxiety about a bad financial deal – Regret over parenting terms that no longer feel workable – Long‑term resentment that follows you for years
In other words, you’re still choosing anxiety.
You’re just choosing which version of it you want to live with.
Why “Being Done” Isn’t the Cure
Wanting the case to be over can function like any other quick‑fix coping mechanism. It provides temporary relief without addressing the underlying issue.
Think of it like numbing pain rather than treating the injury.
The real issue is not the divorce. The real issue is how the stress of divorce is being processed.
And that distinction matters—because the solution changes once you see it clearly.
Vision vs. Reaction: A More Sustainable Framework
Psychologist David Emerald describes this distinction in The Empowerment Dynamic and The Power of TED.²
In short: – A reactive orientation focuses on avoiding pain – A creator orientation focuses on moving toward a meaningful vision
When clients stay anchored to their vision—financial security, healthy co‑parenting, long‑term stability—they can tolerate short‑term discomfort without sacrificing the outcome.
That doesn’t mean ignoring anxiety. It means addressing it without letting it drive irreversible decisions.
Healthier Ways to Address Divorce Anxiety
We are not therapists, and we don’t pretend to be. But we do see patterns that matter.
Addressing anxiety directly—and appropriately—often makes better legal decisions possible. Depending on the person, that may include:
- Counseling or therapy
- Physical activity or structured breaks
- Stress‑management practices
- Support from trusted friends or professionals
The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety overnight. It’s to reduce its intensity enough that decisions can be made thoughtfully, rather than reactively.
Our Role as Counsel
Our job is not to force a client to fight, and it’s not to force a client to settle.
Our job is to: – Advise clearly – Advocate effectively – Help clients understand the trade‑offs they’re making
If someone decides they would rather accept long‑term consequences than continue the process, that is ultimately their choice.
But it should be an informed choice—not one made under the spell of the Done Monster.
Final Thought
Every divorce involves discomfort. The question isn’t how to avoid it entirely—it’s how to move through it without undermining the life you’re trying to build on the other side.
Being “done” feels good in the moment.
Being at peace with the outcome is what lasts.
Sources
- Kahneman, Daniel. Thinking, Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux (2011).
Emerald, David. The Empowerment Dynamic (2010); The Power of TED (2016).
